Understanding Overgiving: Finding Balance Between Caring for Others and Yourself

In this blog, you’ll discover how Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can help first-time mothers in their third trimester reduce childbirth anxiety. You’ll learn what drives prenatal fear, how it can impact labour and wellbeing, and what recent research reveals about EFT’s effectiveness. We’ll explore the findings of a recent research study showing significant reductions in anxiety after just five days of EFT practice. Plus, you’ll find simple, research-aligned tapping steps that can support calm, confidence, and emotional balance as you prepare for birth.

Do you often find yourself giving more than you have the energy, time, or resources to give?

Perhaps you are always the person others turn to in a crisis. You listen, solve, organise, lend money, offer emotional support, and rearrange your life to make things easier for everyone else.

Yet when you need help, reassurance, or care, few people are available.

At first, this may look like kindness or generosity. However, when giving repeatedly comes at the cost of your wellbeing, it may be a pattern of overgiving.

Overgiving is not simply doing too much. It is often rooted in deeper fears and beliefs about love, safety, belonging, and worth.

Healing does not require you to become less caring.

It invites you to care for others without leaving yourself behind.

What Is Overgiving?

Overgiving happens when you give beyond your emotional, physical, practical or financial capacity.

You may find it difficult to say no, ask for support, receive from others or prioritise your own needs. You may continue helping even when you feel exhausted, resentful, anxious or overwhelmed.

The difference between healthy giving and overgiving is often found in what drives it.

Healthy giving comes from choice, capacity and genuine desire.

Overgiving often comes from fear, guilt, obligation or the need to be chosen.

A helpful question to ask yourself is, “Am I giving because I genuinely want to, or because I am afraid of what may happen if I do not?”

Why Do People Overgive?

People often overgive because, somewhere along the way, giving became connected to safety, love, approval or belonging.

You may have learned:

“I am loved when I am helpful.”
"My needs are too much.”
“It is my responsibility to keep everyone happy.”
“Conflict is dangerous.”
“Good people always say yes.”
“I must earn love rather than simply receive it.”
“People may leave if I disappoint them.”
“My value comes from what I do for others.”

Overgiving may also develop when you had to become emotionally responsible too early.

Perhaps you learned to notice everyone else’s moods, anticipate their needs, keep the peace or prevent disappointment. What once helped you feel safer may later become a pattern of self-abandonment.

Overgiving can also be connected to:

Fear of rejection or conflict.
Guilt when saying no.
Anxious attachment.
Low self-worth.
Shame about having needs.
A strong need to feel useful.
The hope that your generosity will eventually be returned.
The belief that caring for yourself is selfish.

Sometimes, giving can even feel safer than receiving. When you are the helper, you may feel more in control. Asking for help, admitting what you need or allowing another person to care for you may feel far more vulnerable.

Signs You May Be Overgiving

Overgiving can appear in many areas of life. You may:

Say yes before checking how you truly feel.
Feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
Give money that you cannot comfortably afford.
Rearrange your life repeatedly for other people.
Offer emotional support while neglecting your own wellbeing.
Feel anxious or guilty when setting a boundary.
Continue giving even when you feel resentful.
Struggle to ask for or receive help.
Feel valuable mainly when you are needed.
Overexplain your boundaries or quickly withdraw them.
Feel afraid that people will reject you if you stop helping.
Choose relationships in which you are always the rescuer, organiser or emotional container.

Overgiving can also affect the body. You may notice exhaustion, tension, poor sleep, headaches, digestive discomfort, agitation or a sinking feeling when someone asks something of you.

These experiences can have many causes and should be appropriately assessed. However, your body may sometimes be communicating a boundary that your words have struggled to express.

The Hidden Cost of Being “The Strong One”

Everyone may describe you as strong, caring and dependable.

You may be the person people call when something goes wrong. You organise, solve, support and carry more than anyone realises.

Yet beneath that strength, you may feel depleted, lonely or quietly resentful.

You may even wonder, “Who would I be if I stopped taking care of everyone?”

When being useful has become part of your identity, setting a boundary can feel like losing love, purpose or belonging.

The deeper healing is not about taking away your generosity. It is about helping you recognise that your worth remains intact even when you are resting, receiving, saying no or allowing another person to take responsibility.

Overgiving in Relationships

Overgiving can create imbalance in relationships.

You may always be the one to reach out, make plans, offer reassurance, repair conflict, and provide emotional support. But when you need care in return, the other person may not be available.

Over time, this can lead to anxiety, exhaustion, resentment, and the feeling of being unseen. Love does not require you to constantly prove your worth.

Healthy relationships include:

Giving and receiving
Honesty and boundaries
Emotional availability
Shared responsibility
Mutual care and effort
Respect for each person’s needs

When you start setting boundaries, some relationships may change. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries may resist them.

This doesn’t necessarily mean your boundary is wrong. It may simply reveal which relationships are reciprocal and which depend on your overextension.

Financial Overgiving

Overgiving can also affect your financial security.

Perhaps you lend money even when your own bank balance is low. You may pay for other people because you feel guilty saying no or fear being seen as selfish.

You may have become the person who rescues everyone, even when doing so leaves you worried about your own bills.

You are allowed to be generous without placing your security at risk.

A healthy financial boundary may sound like, “I care about you, but I am not able to help financially.”

Another person’s disappointment does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.

Is Self-Love Selfish?

Self-love is sometimes reduced to comfort, indulgence or positive thinking, yet genuine self-love is much deeper.

Self-love is not only something you feel; it is something you practise through your healing, decisions and boundaries.

Everything we do or do not do is often connected to how we hope to feel, inviting an important reflection, "Are your choices helping you feel genuinely aligned and nourished, or are they temporarily helping you avoid guilt, rejection or conflict?"

Loving yourself does not prevent you from loving others; in fact, a healthier relationship with yourself can help you love others with greater honesty, freedom and choice.

You do not have to choose between loving yourself and loving another person—the deeper invitation is to remain connected to yourself while you care.

Three Components of Self-Love

Release what stands in the way:

Gently work through the emotions, past experiences and beliefs that make it difficult to love, accept or choose yourself fully.

This may include fear of rejection, guilt about saying no, shame about having needs, grief from conditional relationships or sadness about not feeling chosen.

Healing may also involve exploring specific childhood experiences in which you learned that you had to be helpful, responsible, pleasing or emotionally available to receive love.

The younger part of you may need to hear:

“You do not have to earn love.”
“You are allowed to have needs.”
“You are not responsible for everyone’s emotions.”
“You can be loved without exhausting yourself.”
“Saying no does not make you unkind.”
“You are worthy even when you are not giving.”

Make decisions from self-love:

Before making a decision, pause and ask, “Does this choice reflect love for myself?”

You might also ask:

Do I genuinely want to do this?
Do I have the capacity?
Will I resent this later?
Am I trying to earn love or prevent rejection?
Is this mine to carry?
Can I give less, differently or at another time?
What would a self-loving response look like?

This pause creates space between the request and your response. You do not have to give an immediate answer. You can say, “Let me think about that and come back to you.”

Set boundaries from neutrality:

Boundaries do not have to come from anger, fear or the need to prove something.

They can come from self-love, inner guidance and a calm understanding of what feels right for you.

A boundary may sound like:

“I am not able to do that.”
“I can help for one hour, but I cannot manage the whole task.”
“I need some time before I answer.”
“That does not work for me.”
“I care about you, and I also need to honour my limits.”
“I am available for this, but not for that.”
“I understand that you are disappointed, but my decision remains the same.”

Healing also involves learning to tolerate the discomfort that may follow a boundary without reversing it, overexplaining or compensating by giving even more.

What If the Responsibilities Are Real?

Overgiving does not always mean doing unnecessary things. Sometimes the responsibilities are real, and there may be no one else to take them on.

Healing is not about withdrawing support, but about changing how you give it so you don’t abandon yourself in the process.

What truly needs to be done?
What can be delayed or simplified?
What can be done less perfectly?
What belongs to someone else?
Where am I doing more than is required?
What small support can I ask for?

Healing often starts with small boundaries, not big changes. It may look like taking ten minutes for yourself, asking someone else to help, saying no, or allowing “good enough.”

You can still care for others without disappearing from your own life.

How Do You Give When You Are Already Depleted?

When a situation cannot immediately change, the focus shifts to reducing the energy it drains.

The task is often only part of the exhaustion. More energy is lost through worry, overthinking others’ needs, trying to control outcomes, and carrying resentment or pressure to hold everything together.

Before acting, pause and ask, “What is the most necessary and self-loving way to respond right now?”

You may not always be able to give less, but you can often give differently.

This could include:

Doing one thing at a time.
Taking brief pauses before reaching complete exhaustion.
Communicating honestly when you are tired.
Asking for practical or emotional help.
Releasing responsibility for everyone else’s emotions.
Allowing people to experience the natural consequences of their choices.
Offering what you can without promising what you cannot sustain.

Even a few minutes of rest, nourishment, breathing, tapping, movement or silence can tell your nervous system, “I am also here. I matter too.”

Rebuilding Your Life During Repeated Crises

You may not be able to wait for every crisis to end before beginning your life again.

Sometimes rebuilding must happen quietly alongside the difficulty. Ask yourself, “What is one part of my life I do not want this crisis to take from me?”

It may be your health, friendships, work, creativity, spiritual practice, financial independence or simply one hour each week that belongs to you.

Rebuilding can begin with one:

Nourishing meal
Appointment for your wellbeing.
Conversation that is not about the crisis
Step towards your work or financial future
Boundary that protects your energy
Moment of pleasure without guilt

You are not failing because rebuilding feels difficult. Your mind and body may have been in survival mode for a long time.

The deeper work may involve exploring why you feel you must carry everything alone and whether your worth has become connected to being the person who rescues, copes or holds everything together.

Healing Overgiving

Healing overgiving often happens gradually.

Build awareness:

Notice where, when and with whom you tend to overgive. Ask:

What am I giving beyond my capacity?
Who do I find it hardest to say no to?
What do I fear will happen if I stop giving?
What am I hoping to receive in return?
How do I feel afterwards: peaceful, resentful, depleted or anxious?

Regulate your nervous system:

Overgiving may sometimes be an automatic response. You may become highly attuned to everyone else while disconnecting from yourself.

Before answering a request:

Slow your breathing.
Feel your feet on the floor.
Place a hand over your heart or abdomen.
Notice urgency, pressure or contraction in your body.
Give yourself permission to pause.

Process the underlying emotions:

Healing may involve working through:

Fear of rejection.
Fear of conflict.
Guilt about choosing yourself.
Shame about having needs.
Sadness about not feeling chosen.
Anger about being taken for granted.
Resentment from repeatedly abandoning yourself.
Grief about relationships in which love felt conditional.

Reconnect with your needs:

People who overgive often know what everyone else needs but feel disconnected from themselves. Regularly ask:

What am I feeling?
What do I need?
What do I have the capacity for?
What would support me right now?
What would I choose without fear or guilt?

Learn to receive:

Notice what happens when someone offers you praise, help, attention or generosity.

Do you feel uncomfortable, indebted, exposed or undeserving?

Practise receiving gradually. Accept a compliment without deflecting it. Ask for a small amount of help. Allow someone else to contribute without immediately trying to repay them.

Healthy relationships require mutuality, not one person giving and the other continually receiving.

Using EFT Tapping for Overgiving

Emotional Freedom Techniques, also known as EFT Tapping, can be used to explore the emotions and beliefs beneath overgiving.

Rather than tapping only on the general pattern, work gently with specific situations, memories and triggers.

You might begin with:

“Even though part of me believes I must keep giving to be loved, I honour how this pattern once tried to protect me.”
“Even though I feel guilty when I say no, I am open to learning that my needs matter too.”
“Even though I am afraid they may be disappointed, I can remain connected to myself.”
“Even though I have given so much hoping to feel chosen, I am beginning to choose myself.”

You can also explore the bodily sensations that arise when you imagine setting a boundary.

Ask yourself:

Where do I feel this fear or guilt in my body?
What does it feel like?
How intense is it on a scale of 1 to 10?
What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
When have I felt this way before?

If a memory or emotion feels overwhelming, consider working with an appropriately qualified practitioner.

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Journalling Prompts for Overgiving

Keep a brief journal of situations in which you feel pulled to overgive.

Write down:

The request you received.
Your immediate emotional response.
What you noticed in your body.
What you wanted to say.
What you actually said.
What you feared would happen.
Whether your decision honoured your capacity.
What you might do differently next time.

You may also reflect on:

When did I first learn that being helpful made me lovable?
What does saying no mean to me?
Whose disappointment am I most afraid of?
What do I secretly hope to receive through giving?
Where do I feel unseen or unsupported?
What would giving from genuine choice look like?
What would receiving safely look like?
Who am I when I am not rescuing or caring for someone else?
What does self-love look like, sound like and feel like for me?

Signs of Healing

Progress may look like:

Pausing before saying yes.
Recognising your needs sooner.
Feeling less guilt when setting boundaries.
Giving without hidden expectations or resentment.
Asking for help more comfortably.
Allowing other people to take responsibility.
Tolerating another person’s disappointment.
Feeling worthy even when you are not useful.
Choosing more reciprocal relationships.
Giving from desire rather than fear.
Allowing rest without believing it must be earned.

The deeper healing is often not simply about learning to say no. It is about becoming safe enough within yourself to believe,

“I can remain loving without abandoning myself.”

“I do not have to earn belonging through exhaustion.”

“I can care for others and still choose myself.”

CONCLUSION

Overgiving is rarely a sign that you care too much. More often, it is a sign that care has become entangled with fear, obligation, guilt, safety or the need to earn love.

Healing is not about closing your heart or withdrawing from everyone who needs you. It is about learning to include yourself within the circle of your own care.

You can be compassionate without carrying everything. You can be generous without risking your wellbeing.

You can support others without managing their emotions. You can love deeply without disappearing.

Self-love becomes real when it enters your choices, your relationships and your boundaries.

It begins in the quiet moment when you pause before saying yes and ask, “Does this choice reflect love for myself?”

Love,

Dr Rangana Rupavi Choudhari (PhD)

P.S. Want to discover if EFT is right for you? Book a Complimentary Discovery Call.

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Childbirth anxiety in the third trimester can create both emotional tension and physical strain for first-time mothers. Worries about labour, complications, and the unknown can heighten stress levels just as the body is preparing for birth.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) offer a simple, non-pharmacological way to support emotional regulation during this period. By tapping on specific acupressure points while focusing on childbirth-related fears, EFT may help calm the nervous system and reduce psychological distress.

A 2024 study published in Contagion: Scientific Periodical Journal of Public Health and Coastal found that five consecutive days of EFT practice significantly reduced severe childbirth anxiety in primigravida women during their third trimester.

With consistent practice, anxiety levels decreased, and participants moved from severe distress to mild or no anxiety — suggesting that structured emotional regulation can meaningfully support preparation for labour.

References:

1.https://vitalitylivingcollege.info/eft-resources/

2. https://doi.org/10.30829/contagion.v6i2.21818