5 keys to being understood, creating harmony and truth
5 keys to being understood, creating harmony and truth
Do you often feel not understood? And sometimes unable to understand others? Many of us have often felt this way. It can be frustrating causing a feeling of helplessness. You might even be asking yourself in complete hopeless exasperation – will they ever get it? Why is it so hard? Why can’t they get me? When something similar happened to me recently, I was introduced to Steven Covey’s quote, ‘Seek to understand, before being understood.’ Everything suddenly made sense to me. Wouldn’t it be great if you could automatically understand another, be it your spouse, child parent, lover, maid, boss or friend and in an instant get on the same wavelength and resolve conflict proactively. Its the reason I am sharing with you the 5 keys to being understood to enable harmonious and truthful communications:
1. Notice what you love about someone
Before you communicate with someone, always notice what you love about the other person so that you can make an instant connection. In the words of Dr Rangana Rupavi Choudhuri, during the Breakthrough Coaching seminar, ‘If you want to influence someone, notice what you love and appreciate about them first.’ Then it is not a fake ” I love you!’ either. It is a genuine heartfelt love that allows both to be open to each other.
I love my two nieces and from experience, I can say I know how naughty kids can press your buttons. But honestly saying, when I am with kids and they do not listen to me, I tend to be really allowing. I try to observe and understand them, then build rapport with them (state of understanding where both can communicate openly and be heard) and finally approach them in the best way they would understand.
What if you could program yourself in such a way, that it was an immediate impulse for you to notice someone’s love, gift or talent straightaway? It would mean that in every communication you had, you would always create an environment where both parties could truly be understood!
The ultimate part of that is when you love yourself, then loving and appreciating the other person becomes natural.
2. Speak the truth with compassion and recognise your own inner truth
Speaking the truth can be scary, as there can be fear of hurting another person or causing conflict, which might escalate into a full-blown argument. What if, in that moment, you could just step back and notice what you love about the other person, understand the situation from both perspectives and connect your own inner truth along with the reason you feel triggered. Being able to stand in one’s personal power and speak the truth is one of the most powerful tools of being understood. The skill is in communicating the truth with love, understating, compassion and taking self-responsibility instead of blaming the other person or projecting your negative feelings onto them.
Personally, I often used to feel controlled by a close family member. Everything that they said would put me off, simply because I felt that they were talking from a space of wanting to control me. During Breakthrough Coaching, I finally gained their perspective, where I understood it was only because they loved me that they felt overprotective which resulted in me feeling controlled. Now every time they come from this space, I simply let them know the truth about how it makes me feel and all I really want is for them to say the same from Love. They do listen and respond with love, because communication is really all about loving truthfully!
3. Get to know the other person
When you take the time to get to know someone and understand their model of the world (what they feel, how they think, their values and thoughts), it helps you to know what makes them tick. Then it becomes so much easier to communicate with them. Just as an experiment, try this. Ask a friend these four questions in the specific order below and notice how the interaction changes:
- Where do you live?
- What do you do?
- What is important to you?
- What are you passionate about?
Did you notice that the conversation might have become more animated and the information shared more heart-felt, as you progressively moved through the question? With each question, you are uncovering deeper information and most importantly, getting to know them in a way that creates a longer lasting connection, trust and safety.
When you learn how someone feels and thinks, then you have rapport with them and are able to communicate with them effortlessly. Each is more willing to listen to the other and feel that they are being heard.
4. Get on someone’s wavelength quickly
All of us process information differently. Some people might be more visual (images), auditory (sounds) or kinesthetic (feeling) or a combination thereof. There are no rights and wrongs, these are just preferences. In summary each type prefers:
- Visual – Images and has the tendency to be more animated, speaks fast with a short attention span.
- Auditory – Sounds and enjoys listening to music, can get distracted by sounds, speaks at a medium pace.
- Kinesthetic – Exploring feelings, touch and a tendency to speak at a slower pace
With a visual person, you might need to speak faster and be more energized, while with an auditory person speak with a regular rhythm along with using words like ‘sound.’ For a kinesthetic preference, you might need to slow down and connect with the feelings. If you make this small change, you will be surprised to notice how receptive they can be! These are just preferences which can change, so the key is being aware while being flexible and adjusting.
5. We are mirrors for each other
At some level we are mirrors for each other. In the words of Deepak Chopra, “what exists in your microcosm (inner world) is a reflection of our macrocosm (outer world).”
Breakthrough Coaching with NLP has presented this fact in the best way. It talks about how ‘perception is projection’ and how most of the times, we are projecting our inner feelings outside.
This would mean that if you wanted to understand another person, you would have to be able to understand yourself first. Have you ever had difficulty explaining your own thoughts and actions, simply because you did not know the precise reason yourself? So if you are not able to understand yourself, it obviously becomes difficult for the other person to understand you too. Yet, we are focused on the other person often because we are projecting our self-image on them.
That is what I love about coaching! It makes itself a part of you, where it comes in so naturally that it is not even an effort anymore. It seeps into your very being and soon, you know where the other person is coming from and know how to reach out to them. Any differences and conflicts cease to matter because you can come into their space, pass though their walls and speak directly to their being. Then everything becomes effortless!
One way to understand your own, as well as another person’s preference from the inside out, is by attending an immersion training in Breakthrough coaching. It will enable you to master the art of communication with understanding and harmony.
To learn more about creating lasting transformations you can download 6 free Breakthrough booklets.